It’s the time of day where home and free time and the rest of evening are close. It’s the end of Thursday, which means tomorrow I will wake up with energy ’cause it’s Friday.
Tonight, I will eat tomato basil parmesan soup with my soon-to-be husband, and I will chat on the phone with one of my best friends. This will be fun, and sort of hard, because we’re honest with each other but I have so much buried inside me right now that I wouldn’t even know how to start opening up. I miss that connection.
The thing is, after you’ve hurt for a long time, but your life seems (and is) good on the outside, you start to feel really whiny talking about your inside problems. I have had a really good job. We’re moving to a place that has a Target. I’m marrying my best friend, who is wise and loving and makes me laugh. We are healthy, he has a great scholarship so we won’t have debt, our families our both loving and supportive and stable. With all of this, my OCD is something I can and do easily hide, not only from coworkers and the everyday world, but from those closest to me. The kicker about OCD is that it is so isolating because it’s all inside my head (especially since I have Pure-O, which means I don’t have outward compulsions). It’s incredibly painful, but most of the time, nobody sees the pain – and it’s really hard to show “inner” pain. M. sees it more than anyone right now, and my dad does. But it’s really hard to share what’s going on in my head when I know I’m saying the same things over and over, and when I just want to be better for them, so I act better, and when most of the time, they just don’t know how to help. I don’t know how to help.
Truth is that I feel guilty for having OCD, for suffering so much, when I’ve got no visible reason to suffer. I feel sad and guilty that I don’t let the good things in my life don’t outweigh my mind.
I don’t want to be sad or depressed right now – heck, I’m getting married in 7 weeks. But I do know that I have to move through the pain, through the OCD, not around it. I’m not ready to start fighting the OCD, but for right now I will sit with the pain of it, and acknowledge how much it hurts.